As I prepare to have our fourth and final baby there are so many feelings. A feeling of sadness, as I know this will be the final time that I anxiously anticipate the moment I will meet a brand new sweet face. Sadness knowing that it will be my final time of holding my own newborn for the first time. Taking in the sweet feeling and smell of newborn skin and hair, counting all the fingers and toes, and those few sweet moments we will have to ourselves before bringing you home to a large family who is ready to share all their chaotic love.
I remember when we announced our third pregnancy and I was so eager to tell people it would be our final baby. Part of this was out of fear of judgment and wanting to dodge questions of just how many we were planning to have. A big part of me knew then that there would be one more; my momma heart was just not ready to say goodbye to the newborn stage. I did not feel our family was complete.
This time feels so different.
While there is sadness to move forward, there are also other feelings. Feelings that are here in anticipation for this moment, this point in time. I knew this day would come, and I know it is time.
Along with sadness, I have feelings of relief. Relief in knowing my family has finally reached completion. There will be no more anxiety waiting to take a test or the nervousness as I lose sleep awaiting that first ultrasound and praying to see that tiny heartbeat. To know that when I come home this final time, I can “officially” set the newborn wall décor the way that I want it, and how it will permanently remain. My wall of fame, with four baby photos to remind me what I had to do each time to bring those faces into this world.
Feelings of pride. Knowing I made it through four pregnancies, not including mending my heart through two miscarriages. Knowing that although each pregnancy was filled with many undesirable symptoms, I did it with as much strength and grace as I could. Feelings of excitement, knowing that although this is the final time with the crib, bassinet, pack-n-play; afterward, we will set these things aside or pass them on as we prepare for the next chapter in life. One that may be filled with dance recitals, basketball games, soccer, or chess club. The options are endless and really no matter what it is, I will have a button on my shirt for it and a ton of spirit wear. I am ready to take my place as a lifetime mommy cheerleader, who will be in all four corners at all times and places.
So to all the other momma’s out there who are preparing for their final baby, just know that you are not alone.
May we all move forward appreciating the sadness as it reminds us of how fortunate we have been to experience the beginnings of motherhood, and appreciate the feelings of accomplishment as we did what we needed to do to grow and complete our families. We know we cannot go back and relive these fleeting moments, but boy do we have so much more to look forward to as we move ahead.
For we now know that this is what motherhood is all about, enjoying each milestone and each step at a time until the time comes that we can watch our flock fly. Just remember, when the blog posts and reminders of how quickly it all goes get to be too much to bear, we will always be needed. Motherhood never stops.