I was born in 1986 and by 1988, I had a babydoll securely fashioned to my hip. I have more VHS evidence of my life being destined for motherhood than any other profession. When others wrote that they wanted to be a veterinarian, a doctor, a pilot… I wrote that I wanted to be a mother. I went to college and graduated with an elementary educator’s license, but really and truly, I just wanted to be a mom. But then, one day it hit me, after my four beautiful kids were born: Who am I if I am not ‘mom?’
I had a rough bout with postpartum depression, which is a whole book in and of itself, but it led me to really begin seeking. I had lost myself in the diapers, wipes, cute baby ruffles and monogrammed diaper bags. I saw a girl with blue-bags under her eyes, baby spit-up on her sweatshirt and I didn’t even recognize myself. I sought counseling through church for clarity, for perspective, and let’s face it, maybe even just for an evening out away from the monotony. I was prepared for the counselor to tell me to get out of the house, to go get coffee, go see a friend… I wasn’t prepared for her question.
“Now what?”
What did she mean by ‘now what?’ She explained that I had reached my goal and then some. I got my teaching degree, I married the man of my dreams, and I had my four gorgeous kids that I prayed so ferociously for… so… now what? I had not allowed myself to think outside the box that I had built when I was a kid. I had constricted myself to the same dreams that I had as a kindergartner. So…now what?
I thank God every night for my blessings. I realize that this life I live is precious and a gift every day, but that doesn’t mean we can’t keep dreaming, mamas! It is possible in the incredible year of 2019 for our dreams to be limitless. I fill my cup with laughter from my children, with support from my husband, and prayers sent to God. However, I realized after the last decade I have spent building my family and pouring myself into my children, that there is still time to pour some effort back into the person I was before I was a mama.
Please, please, please, don’t misunderstand me. I love my children and motherhood with every cell and breath I have. Think of it as a stay-at-home mom needing to go back to work a 9-5 job for her sanity. Some people are meant for the ‘stay-at-home’ mom title (trust me, I am one!), but I have a caveat: I have a much needed side gig and that is OKAY. I find a part of my identity as a small business owner, as a writer, as an artist, as an antique dealer… and always as a mother.
I needed to take a step back, breathe, and remember that the person I was before I had children, was a real person who still exists. She is just as important as the woman I am today. I felt restricted, silenced by the needs of little people and my identity as an individual was disappearing. I am so relieved, so grateful that someone gave me a completely different perspective: it’s totally okay to need something for yourself. It is okay to keep growing as a person while you are growing your family. It is healthy. It is normal. You. should. do. it.
If your kiddo told you they wanted to be a rodeo-astronaut-artist, would you tell them they could only pick one, or would you find your kid a cowboy hat/spacesuit/and paintbrush? Of course, we don’t want to limit their imaginations or dreams, so why constrict ours? Let us be grand examples for our children by continuing to dream ourselves. Perhaps we should invest daily, weekly, monthly into our identities separate from motherhood. Eventually, our babies will grow, and perhaps maybe even require less and less from us.
How do you maintain your identity separate from motherhood? Do you have a hidden dream that you would like to pursue? Are you actively working toward growing that goal?
