It comes at the most random times.
In a smell that takes me back to a different time, it sneaks up on me.
In a place that evokes memories, it sneaks up on me.
In a phrase that comes out of my mouth, it sneaks up on me.
In a way I react to a situation, it sneaks up on me.
At a party for my future daughter-in-law, it sneaks up on me.
When I am hurt by another’s words and would love to sit and talk, it sneaks up on me.
At my son’s college graduation, it sneaks up on me.
It comes at the most random times.
My mom died in 2017, and my life has never been the same.
The grief, oh that grief sure is sneaky. I never quite know when I will burst into tears and grieve where I sob loudly like I did when I was a child. It comes out of the blue, the raw emotion and the sense of loss I feel. It is deep and it hurts. It is sneaky.
I recently threw a bridal tea for my future daughter-in-law, and out of nowhere, it hit me, if my mom were alive she would have helped me and been standing right next to me as we welcomed the guests. My sweet daughter-in-law’s mother asked who had helped me with the shower, and I said I did it myself and then stated, that my mom was dead so she couldn’t help me. I know it sounded bizarre and very blunt (thank you mom for that trait you passed onto me). At that very moment, I began to cry and weep; grief had snuck in and taken hold of me in that very moment.
That sneaky grief is hard, there is no way to prepare you for it, and well I guess that is grief. So if you see me smelling the air and knowing I smell White Shoulders… that is grief.
If you see me at Bill’s donuts eating a cream horn, tears streaming down my face… that is grief.
If you ask me a question and I say sharply, “Does a bear have hair?”…. that is grief.
If you don’t speak the truth and I challenge you (just like my mom)… that is grief.
When I feel like I’ve been attacked and go grab a cup of tea and sit alone… that is grief
When my son gets married and I stare off in the distance thinking…. that is grief.
Grief looks different for every single person, and it is real.
I can’t explain it, the day or the time, but it is sneaky. This sneaky grief of mine brings memories of a person that I miss and that lives on in me, so bear with me, this heart is still healing.