My daughter is eleven going on sixteen and is full throttle attitude. I am not sure when the shift happened. She has always been such a sweet young lady with such a giving and loving heart. Every once in a while that sweet girl makes an appearance. As of late, however, we have seen a glimpse of what teenage life may hold for us.
If I ask her to pick something up. ATTITUDE. If I ask her to change an outfit for whatever reason. ATTITUDE. And then when I confront her on her attitude I’m met with more of it and all the reasons why it is not attitude. It is a vicious cycle some days. I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed. Then I stepped back and remembered that I too was an angsty preteen many moons ago.
So, here are a few ideas on how we try to tackle those trying days:
- First and foremost, take a breath! Remember they are still young and learning to understand all of the emotions and hormones that are now kicking into gear. There is so much going on in their minds and hearts that it can not be easy to sift through everything. Even I struggle with complex feelings and I am an adult.
- Talk it out. I make sure we are having a full eye contact heart to heart. I get on her level and assure her that we are not upset with her but are trying to understand her frustrations. It is important for her to see our vulnerability. And that we would never disregard what she is going through. Her feelings are valid!
- Listen with an open heart. Often times I will just let her vent without giving my thoughts or opinions on the matter. As adults, we look forward to venting, with little judgment, to a captivated audience. We are not always looking for feedback. Sometimes we just want to spill our hearts out and move on. They need this, too.
- Space is crucial. When we think of our children having an attitude or acting out we tend to turn towards discipline. More often than not all it takes is some quiet time. Just a little space to gather themselves up can make a huge difference. My daughter will stomp away to her room in an uproar and then return with a calm demeanor. Then she is ready to discuss what was bothering her. This allows her to problem solve her situation and come back to it with a clear head. More times than I can count she comes back laughing, feeling silly, about the whole thing.
- Lastly, hug it out. I have never been denied a hug even when she is her most upset. They are on the verge of becoming independent little adults but hugs do not see age. It can be surprising how powerful a hug can truly be when they are feeling a bit lost in their emotions.
So if you are like me and trying to get through these preteen years unscathed, how are you doing it?
So good! The preteen years were way more challenging than I anticipated (although I was kind thrown into the year of parenting a preteen without much warning lol!). I found that it helped to remind myself to not take things personally. If she was having attitude toward me, it usually wasn’t because she hated me, but because there was a deeper root. I love these tips and will circle back around to them in 8 years (gulp)!
They definitely snuck up on me. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with the grumpiness until at least highschool. Haha. I think you hit the nail on the head. I have to constantly remind myself not to take things personally. Because their feelings seem huge right now, and are so confusing, It’s difficult for them. And depending on the situation it’s difficult to know what to say and when. I’m thankful that most days are good. But every once in awhile I’m recalling my list and counting down to bedtime. At the end of the day we’re all doing our best and I think they see that, too.
These are actually great tips for my 2.5 year old who acts like she is going on 12!! No joke, she will tell my husband and I to leave her alone.. once she even said, “You’re ruining everything!” Never did I imagine the attitude during the toddler years!! While she’s not quite ready to talk it out yet, I’ve found taking a breath, time out, and especially hugs do the trick!
Those toddler years are definitely just as tough. My threenager is very vocal about his feelings. He told me we weren’t friends anymore because I wouldn’t give him candy for breakfast. Haha. And I have totally used some of these tips for him as well. I think in general these are great for problem solving most situations. (Thankfully, we’re back to being friends now. Whew!) Haha.
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