Don’t @ Me {Stop the Mom-Shaming}

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Dear Friends,

Don’t @ me on my parenting. Don’t tag me wordlessly on a Facebook article, or an Insta post, or send me a link to some blog where someone says something that completely contradicts my parenting. Just stop, please. 

Look, I deeply value advice. There are a lot of things I don’t know. There are a lot of things you know more about or have expertise in or have beautiful advice that will change my life. And I am here for it. I am all about community. Tell me all your wise and glorious things.

But tell me. Engage me in a conversation. If you truly think I’m messing something up, ask me about why I am making my choices. See if your advice is relevant or fits. Have a relationship with me. Build trust with me.

mom-shaming

When you @ me without a conversation or a word, all I get is, “I think you’re a bad mom and I’m judging you.” When you send me a link with no explanation about a parenting topic that directly contradicts what I’ve chosen for my child (after tons of research and angst, I promise), it makes me feel like you have no respect for me as a parent or as a person.

I know you’re all well-meaning when I get an article about rear-facing for the umpteenth time. I’m still front facing my son. I have reasons for those decisions, but without a conversation, you’ll never know what they are. I love the articles about how my kid will be ruined for life because we sleep-trained. I read them. I never planned on sleep training until it’s what my son needed. I promise you, every decision has been thoughtful, intentional, and always what I feel like is best for my child and our family.

I know I’m not always right.

My parenting has been deeply enriched by hearing experiences from grandparents, from moms and dads of older kids, even from moms in the exact same trenches I am in. I have found a few super supportive Facebook communities where people can be real and honest and give advice without making anyone feel small or ashamed.

But those spaces are harder and harder to find. Social media makes it easy to tag someone in a “useful” (or passive-aggressive or condescending or non-research based) article. Maybe you truly believe you’re helping. If so, I commend your intention, but I promise you that the message isn’t being well-received. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that what I long for is to be understood first and advised second.

So before you @ me, take a moment to think about how to respectfully bring up a topic. Consider asking and being interested in the answer, before offering your one-size solution.  Treat me like the invested, loving mom that I am, and then talk to me like a peer, not an idiot. I’ll try to do the same. Maybe we won’t always get it right with each other, but if we engage from a more relational space, then we can work through it together. For now, I’m clearing out my notifications where I’ve been “@‘ed” in yet another mom-shaming blog post.

Now, go @ your favorite mom-shamer below 😉