The nights are mostly quiet. She fusses quietly since I detect it before it escalates into a full-blown cry. I pad down the hallway in my slippers. I rock my baby in the nursery chair, gliding without a creak. The cat comes by to lounge, and I speak to her in whispers. I sing lullabies softly. Just me and my sweet baby. We have gotten through the first month of nights together, full of love. But it hasn’t been easy.
Sometimes the stillness feels like loneliness.
Since my husband drives a long commute and I am on maternity leave, the nights are all mine. And the days are all mine. I miss my husband. I cherish the evenings when he arrives home to us, but he is often depleted from his work. Some nights when I shuffle down the hallway to the nursery, I am crying.
But my tears dry up as I soothe her to sleep and watch her dream. She stirs and wakes. She coos softly. My daughter looks up at me with those beautiful, deep eyes, in the early blue light of morning when I am longing for the pillow. She gives me the sweetest of sweet smiles, and I know our bond is growing. Our family roots are binding us in a steadfast love. She knows me, my voice, my scent, my face. I can calm her. Because of her daddy and me, she is learning what love is. We are a team of three, and her smile turns the stillness of the night into sunshine.
So to all the lonely moms, join with me in celebrating the sunrise. You might be isolating from Covid, missing your village of family and friends while you adjust to a new town, or missing your partner while they are away. But we have so much to look forward to!
Someday that sunny smile will become a toothy, ornery grin. A sleepy chuckle now will become real, genuine laughter. (I can’t wait to know your laugh, little one!) Adorable, nonsensical babbles become first words, and first steps progress to a full-on run-and-jump into the bed with mommy and daddy for an early morning snuggle. My husband and I often daydream for future moments like these. But for now, let’s savor the nights, hard as they are, knowing the sun is just a smile away.
