The Game of Consent

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I recently saw a video that was being shared around social media. It depicted two toddler-aged kids, a boy and a girl. The boy kept trying to hug and kiss the girl, and the girl kept pushing the boy away and trying to get away. The girl was not happy. The girl was not laughing. The girl did not give consent. However, the video taker and the comments section had me extremely discouraged – adults think this is cute.

Have you ever told your kid something is cute? Laughed at a behavior? Egged them on with smile and cheers?  The result: the kid thinks doing those behaviors is a positive thing. So the adults in this kid’s life (as well as hundreds of other commenters) think that a boy trying to force physical affection on a girl is cute. Even when that girl is giving physical and verbal cues that she is not comfortable.

As adults, it is our responsibility to model healthy behaviors for our kids.

consent

Consent is a concept we can start teaching our kids pretty young. For example, we can ask our kids if they would like to give or get hugs and kisses. We can stop laying guilt on our kids to give physical affection to friends and family members. We can intervene when we see our child giving another child unwanted physical touch, and teach them how to ask permission. In our house, we play the consent game with our 3-year-old son.

Here’s how the game goes. We remind my kiddo that not everyone wants to be touched all the time and suggest we practice. He LOVES it because we make it silly, but it drives the point home. One person will do something to another person, and that person can say, “Ow!”, “Stop!” or make a sad face to indicate they don’t enjoy it. The first person is trying to recognize those cues immediately and stop the action.

And here’s what it looks like in practice:

Parent: *starts gently tickling my kid”

Kid: *Makes grumpy face*

Parent: *throws my hands up and makes a concerned face* “I’m so sorry. Do you not like that? Then I’ll stop.”

Or

Kid: *pokes me in the face*

Parent: “Ow! That hurts!”

Kid: “I sorry. I will not poke you.”

Or

Parent: *gently pulling kiddo’s hair*

Kid: “Please, stop!”

Parent: *instantly stops* “I am so sorry. Was that bothering you?”

Kid: “Yes. I don’t like it. *pause* Do it again!”

Or

Kid: *tickles me*

Parent: laughs

Kid: *keeps tickling me*

Parent: *laughs some more then…* “I’m tired of being tickled, please stop.”

Kid: “I will stop.” (said very seriously)

Parent: “That’s ok! I was enjoying it at first, but then it was too much tickling. Thank you for stopping.”

Yes, right now, my kid enjoys the game and thinks it’s funny. But he’s also learning different ways that others will indicate that they are unhappy, as well as different ways that he can communicate that he’s unhappy. Hand-in-hand with the consent game, we also try our best to respect his bodily autonomy. He’s 3, so it’s not always 100% possible. He still needs help brushing his teeth, and we are doing it, even if he says no. But we try to communicate which touches aren’t optional and why, and then give him as much control and options as possible. Which can look like this:

Kid: “I don’t want to brush my teeth!”

Parent: “I’m sorry, buddy, but we brush teeth everyday. This isn’t a choice. But you CAN choose whether Mommy or Daddy helps you. Who would you like?”

Or

Kid: “I don’t WANT to hold hands in the street!”

Parent: “I’m sorry, kiddo, but we have to make sure you’re safe when we walk to the car. You’re still little, so drivers can’t see you very well, but they can see Mommy. Would you like to hold my hand or would you like me to carry you?”

We are by no means perfect at this. Sometimes our 3-year-old has a full-blown tantrum and he has to be hauled physically to the car. The best we can do is keep communicating and trying to teach our son how to notice how his behaviors affect others.