Comparison Is NOT the Thief of Joy

“Comparison is the thief of joy,” they say. 

“Don’t compare your kid to others,” I’ve heard time after time.

When it comes to size, intelligence, athletic ability, you name it, the idea of comparing our children to their peers has become a big no-no in millennial parenting. I’m certain that we all do this secretly. When we hear someone mention their baby’s latest milestone we mentally note when our child reached the same point developmentally. When a friend praises their child for an accomplishment, be it a test grade or a soccer goal, we wonder how our child stacks up. And while this may be the unpopular opinion- GOOD! Compare all the kids!Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to sit my toddler down and say, “Son, I saw a video of your friend on Facebook and they know all of their letters at age two so it’s time to get to work!” I won’t pressure my son to potty train faster because another child his age has been in undies for months. I shudder at the thought of someone saying, “why can’t you be more like _________?” I don’t need to keep up with the Jones’s. Comparing my children to others in no way impacts how I treat them, how much I love them, or how I relate to them as their parent. 

But I think it’s high time we celebrate diversity in skills, ability, or size. I’m proud of my munchkins. They’re smart kids, too. And I’ll be the first to admit that there are things that they’re not the best at – plenty of things. But I think the things that they’re good at should be praised!

My two year old draws people with arms and legs and fingers, and hair, and eyes and stinking pupils! That’s impressive. His art skills are really advanced for his age. And I want to foster and encourage his areas of interest and talent. If I didn’t compare him to others how would I know that he had a knack for drawing?

And after all – what will the rest of his life be like? I don’t want my child to be raised in an everyone-gets-a-trophy world. When he applies for his first job, if he’s not the best, most qualified candidate, he isn’t likely to be hired. If my daughter wants to be an Olympic weightlifter she will have to be able to lift the most weight, not just her best. Isn’t an ACT score or a GPA a measuring stick used to compare one student to another when applying to a college or university? And sure, they will be compared enough in their lives, so why add to that as a parent?

To me, it isn’t as simple as best and worst. There’s a sliding scale and a puzzle all at the same time. I want my children to be dreamers. I want them to aspire to be who they want to be. I want them to yearn for growth. I want them to challenge themselves. Rather than comparison being the thief of joy, I think it can be the catalyst towards a more joyous life. I want them to be proud of the things that they are great at. What’s more, I want them to recognize the greatness in others. Humility is important, and so is recognizing that we are all unique and play different roles that each contribute to a working society. Comparing is not synonymous with conforming. I don’t need my children to be like everyone else’s. I don’t need them to be the best at everything. So in the end, comparing doesn’t hurt if we don’t allow it to rule our lives. 

Do you find yourself feeling guilty for comparing your kids or are you a casual comparer? Feel free to share your thoughts!