Symptoms of a “narcissist”:
-excessive need for admiration
-disregard for others’ feelings
-an inability to handle criticism
-a sense of entitlement
Let me start off by saying, I think the word “narcissist” has been thrown around loosely over the past few years. I’ve noticed it’s one of those words and definitions that people have rediscovered and kind of run with as a go-to way of describing someone they dislike or has treated them poorly, someone they had a bad break up or divorce with, or maybe an annoying relative. So, I am fully aware of this loose representation of the word, with its myriad of memes and blog posts you can easily find just by googling it.
That being said, I’m fully convinced I have met a true narcissist, and it scares the hell out of me.
True narcissism is a rare condition, but the person I am referring to fits every single category to a T, over and over, time and time again. This person is my spouse’s ex and the biological parent to my stepchild.
I knew my spouse had a child with someone else when we began our relationship. Of course, I did. You hear people venting about their stepchildren and the ventee will sometimes use that as a way to make a point and shut that person’s complaints down. “You knew what you were getting into.” But the issue here isn’t the child themselves, it’s the ex. You don’t necessarily think about that when you become involved with someone with a child. You think about the person you love and how to fit in with, accept, love and help raise their child and work together as a family unit. You don’t automatically also try to fit in having the spouse’s ex in your life for the long haul because they have a child together.
The realization eventually hits like a ton of bricks once the relationship progresses. If you’re lucky, they’ll be easygoing and life will go on. If you’re lucky. If like the majority of blended families, dealing with exes isn’t such smooth sailing. That’s mostly common knowledge. So let’s get back to the narcissist piece.
I’ve talked to community step-parenting groups, I’ve talked to friends who have blended families and are in similar situations. I’ve been in the midst of blended/step-life for several years now. I know what talking to and dealing with a normal person is like. Normal people are passionate and loving and ultimately want what is best for their child if they are a parent. Normal people show true empathy, don’t parent based on what is best for themselves, don’t lash out like an angry teen when provided criticism and do everything in their power to back themselves up and prove how they weren’t wrong. Normal people admit fault. Normal people rationalize and try to see eye-to-eye and are able to remove their own wants and needs from a situation and think only of what may be best for another person. A narcissist cannot do these things. I have seen it firsthand and it’s virtually impossible.
I am stuck co-parenting and step-parenting with a narcissist.
Every possible parenting situation that has been thrown at us over the years has solidified this realization to my spouse and I…and it’s hard. Every move this person makes has their own interest in mind first and anyone else’s second, even when it’s their own child. Any “selfless” act must be publicly shared. Their own spouse’s accomplishments are somehow a direct reflection back onto themselves and are somehow grounds to be used against others or as a means to brag or casually mention with less-than-casual intentions. Harsh words have been spat at my spouse and me for things that have to do with material possessions, status, money, work/home life, and even our personal relationship, all to try and position themselves above us and in the right. It’s so trying and exhausting and wearisome.
I’m not here to provide a solution or a how-to on dealing with a narcissist. I’m just here to say they are real and they are out there. When it’s just a friend or family member, it seems easier. When it’s someone you must co-parent with and even begin to see the child start to develop these less-than-palatable characteristics, it’s defeating and such an uphill battle.
We still have several years of this to power through, so all I can hope is that our own sanity stays intact and the child involved becomes a well-rounded, empathetic, compassionate, selfless, just downright decent human being. All of us have these qualities to imprint upon that child, even my spouse’s ex. I try to see the good in every single person I meet, even when it’s extraordinarily difficult. So far though, the narcissism that I truly feel and ultimately know they do not see in themselves has outshone everything else.
