It’s a pretty simple question and we are quick to ask it of our children when they fall down, get hurt or are sad. We rush to their side and immediately inquire, “Are you okay?” It’s almost a knee-jerk reaction.
Why though, when it comes to our friends and family, do we not ask the question: “Are you okay?”
Instead, we ask, “How are you?” or “How is the new baby?” or “How is the new job?” We expect the other person to say, “Good,” and move on with the conversation. Asking, “Are you ok?” leaves room for more than a one-word answer. Asking, “Are you okay?” opens up a dialogue. It forces us to allow time and space for listening to each other and an opportunity to learn from and support one another through this crazy journey of life and motherhood.
So why don’t we do it? Because it’s scary! It’s scary to open up and be vulnerable and it’s scary to be on the receiving end of vulnerability.
When it comes to our feelings and how we really feel, we tend to be uncomfortable when we have to answer with more than one word. We worry about being judged, that we will be seen as weak, naive, or a fake. We worry about being gossipped about. We worry about our image. We don’t want anyone to know that our social media profile is not our real life. That it’s not all butterflies, rainbows and unicorns. That what they see is, in fact, the highlight reel. And that no, we are not okay.
And as the person doing the asking, we’re afraid of prying. Afraid of learning too much. Afraid of hearing something we don’t want to hear. Afraid that we’ll say the wrong thing or react the wrong way. If we truly care about the other person though, we can’t be afraid. We need to listen without judgment. We need to be a sounding board. We need to be supportive when we hear in return, “No, I’m not okay.”
There were times, during my early motherhood journey, and as of late, where I can consciously remember hoping a friend would ask me the question, “Are you okay?” Like when I was struggling to breastfeed my firstborn or when my second child wouldn’t sleep. Ever. Or when the stress of my marriage and children was wearing on my face in the form of sudden, severe acne, or when I helplessly watched my child struggle with school and learning, or when I found myself overwhelmed by the demands of helping my kids with remote learning while both my husband and I were working from home.
Each time, I needed someone to talk to.
I wasn’t expecting an answer or a fix, I just needed someone who knew me and would understand what I was going through. I needed someone to listen. I needed someone to hear me say, “No, I’m not okay.”
Mamas, we wear the weight of the world and our children on our backs every moment. We don’t sleep, we skip meals because we are busy taking care of our kids, we research every car seat, toy, and toddler bed on the market, we plan for the future and long car trips, we love fiercely and give of ourselves fully until there is nothing left. We need to be supported and we need to support those we love and care about. We need to lift each other up. We need to ask the hard questions, be present for the answer and listen without judgment. We need to change the conversation. We need to ask, “Are you okay?”
Are you okay, Mama?
