The Value of Apologizing to Your Kids

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The other day I yelled at our 6-year-old because she was not listening to me and ended up getting paint all over my kitchen table. I was mad she ruined my table, frustrated she wasn’t listening, and exhausted from cleaning up messes all day, so I snapped at her. She yelled back (because, of course, I was angry and she matched my anger in defense) and I continued yelling.

Our fight escalated quickly until we were both screaming and neither one listening.

apologizing

Afterward, it didn’t sit well with me. Should she have listened to me and not opened the paint on the table? Absolutely. But was my extreme response warranted or helpful? Absolutely not. So once we were all calmed down and peacefully coloring, I took the opportunity to apologize. I told her I was sorry for taking my frustrations out on her and yelling and that I should have handled that differently. We discussed how we both could navigate that issue better in the future. Her listening and cleaning up the mess, me calmly walking her through it, etc.

I know a lot of people would never apologize to their child(ren) and feel like it undermines their authority. I think it teaches our kids that we are all human, all make mistakes, and we can model grace and forgiveness for and to them. After our chat, she put down her crayons and came over to my chair, took my face in her hands and kissed me, and said, “Mom, it’s ok, we are still best friends even if you yelled at me. I’ll listen more and I’ll always love you nothing changes that.”

This kid y’all! This kid! One second cutting her hair like a toddler, the next wise beyond her years. 

A few days later, her dad found a mess in the basement she had left behind. He was not pleased and started inquiring about me who had left the mess. She heard and came to him, apologized and said it was her mess and she had forgotten about it. She cleaned it up, which was great, but even better was that she realized she made a mistake, came to us, took ownership of her mistake, apologized, and made it right. It was literally the perfect parenting outcome and I was thrilled.

Now does this happen all the time? No. We rarely see an immediate payoff like that and sometimes it feels like constantly working to model good behavior that goes unnoticed. Our child is beyond stubborn (she gets that from her Dad) and so many times it feels like these lessons are like talking to the wall. I learned long ago parenting is not a sprint, it’s a marathon and consistency is key. We don’t always do it right, but boy when we get a win, what a thrill! We have tried our best to create space in our household for mistakes and work together for solutions. Seeing firsthand how that plays out with our child is wonderful when it starts to click.

I encourage you to take some time to apologize to your kids this week. If you yell too much one morning, lose control, ignore them, snap at them, or whatever it may be, apologize. Take a moment to show them you are human, say sorry, admit to your mistakes, and show them what grace and humility in action look like. It can literally change your life.