I am by no means “old”. I am only 30! I am, however, old enough to that when I look back on some of the choices I made, I wish I could do them over. I wish I had a different story to tell my girls when they ask what I was like before all of this.
It’s not that I necessarily regret some of the things I did in my teens and early 20s, I just wish I had taken more chances, stepped outside the box, and hadn’t acted like I knew what the hell I was doing.
“Regret” is such a harsh word
There were a lot of happy times when I was a teen and young 20s adult, but mixed in with the happy are so many things that should (not could) have been done differently. I guess maybe they are regrets…
Deciding at age 14 that I had found “the one”.
Who does that? Well, I guess a lot of naive kids think they know everything and know better than their parents, who have actually lived through life experiences already. I met my first boyfriend when I was 14 and decided he’d be the one forever and always. Granted, we did stick it out for 10 years, but my parents tried telling me over and over, “Dusty, you’re a kid. You’re in high school. Have fun and don’t tie yourself to someone who doesn’t even live in the same town as you!” and I said, “But I love him!” and I did (I think…). I know when I look back on it, a lot of my motivation was setting out to prove them wrong. I wanted to defy the odds and show them it was possible to find your soul mate at age 14 and live happily ever after.
Deciding to move out at 18 & live with my boyfriend, his mom, and his 2 little sisters.
At this point, the wonderful relationship I had with my dad was ruined. He had forbidden me to ever talk to or see my boyfriend again, but I did anyway. Trust was broken and resentment was formed. By the time I was 18 I wanted out and away from parental rules. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and I did. I still went to college, but I commuted and lived in my boyfriend’s house with his mom and 2 younger sisters. I immediately became homesick and tried to visit my parents as often as possible, sometimes even spending entire weekends there. That caused resentment in my boyfriend who wanted me to be home with him. When I look back on this, I wish so strongly that I would have just gone to college and lived on campus like a “normal” person does. I’d probably be sitting here with a 4-year degree (or more) instead of a 2-year degree that took me 7 years to achieve. I wish I would have been young, not acted like I was married when I wasn’t, gone to parties, hung out with people and made friends.
Deciding to go along with and stay with someone who constantly held me back.
When I say this, I am not saying it because I think my first boyfriend was a bad person. He wasn’t. He was good to me during our 10 years together. Along with the good, there was not so good. He brought out my ugliest side, a side that my current husband has yet to see. He made me feel like I shouldn’t like or enjoy the things I genuinely liked and enjoyed. I repressed A LOT when we were together. I dressed, acted and even dyed my hair a certain way because I knew he liked it that way. I did things for myself, but there was always a part of me that would second guess things or go in a direction I knew he would approve of more. Once I decided to let go of the relationship, I felt immense relief that I had finally broken free from someone who really was very controlling. He didn’t think he was (who would?), but he was. He may not be now, but he was then. He was with me.
I feel like the things I did for all those years are things that have really molded me into who I am today, what I stand for, and my beliefs in what is right and wrong. They are things that have made me realize all the chances and opportunities I allowed myself to miss out on when I should have been living life for ME. I am naturally a “people pleaser”, but I am now an adult who has learned from her mistakes. I know the difference between doing things for people because it makes me feel good about myself and happy that I’ve done them, and doing things because I feel forced to.
As a mother of three little girls, I plan on answering every question they may have someday completely and fully. I will tell them the things I have done and the things I wish I had done, and I’ll tell them out of passion and love. I don’t want to see them go down the road I went down.
My life is very happy now. My husband and I mesh so well together and I never feel held back with him. He understands that people change and evolve, and those differences are what makes us who we are. I can definitely say that although I do wish I made a lot of different choices in the past, I am very grateful that my first boyfriend helped sculpt me into the person I am today. A person who is strong, unique, doesn’t care what others think of her and her interests (as much) and knows not to allow anything to hold her back from happiness.
