The beach is my happy place.
Since my mother passed away in December 2017, I have been looking forward to the beach vacation we had planned and yet part of me was afraid to go, afraid to go and miss her, and afraid of the memories.
As I sat there in the beach chair, letting the waves crash at my feet, I wept. I sat there and was flooded with memories. Memories of my mom were crashing all around me. I kept hearing her voice and her laugh and remembering all of the fun things we did when we went to the beach.
I built a sandcastle with my 4-year-old and told him all about how his Nana loved the beach and loved to build sandcastles.
I walked toward the pier, sand bucket in hand, looking for beautiful shells thinking of her, telling my son all about what shells his Nana loved.
I packed and ate a picnic on the beach, just like we used to do and thought of her, and told my family of what we used to do with my mom.
I spent hours looking for a shark tooth and finally found my first one, my son was so excited, Mom would have been, too.
I talked to passers-by and shared where we were from and what brought us to the beach, and learned about their lives. I even shared that I love the beach and that it made me miss my mom. One new friend had just lost her husband to cancer and she was at the beach to grieve, our eyes welled up with tears as we talked. My mom would have loved that interaction.
I found myself telling my husband all about our beach vacations. I spent so much of my childhood vacationing at the beach and spending it with my mom. So many things reminded me of her, and he just let me talk about her and let me grieve.
One of my favorite memories was to sit on a raft or a chair and look at the ocean and talk to my mom. We would talk for hours, about nothing and everything. She would give me advice and tell me what I needed to hear. We would laugh and cry with each other and lose track of time, it seemed that the ocean and the waves were just for us to enjoy.
This year was different, new memories were made and as those waves of memories hit me in the heart, I decided I need to create new memories.
On our last day with our family at the beach, while sitting letting the waves crash on my feet, the most amazing new memory happened. I was sitting in the low chair, collecting sand in all the wrong places and just enjoying the ocean when my stepdaughter came and sat by me, and we began to talk. We talked for hours about nothing and everything, and it was glorious, just like the talks I used to have with my mom. NEW memories. It was a great day, and I have decided that the memories that come crashing all around me are not sad memories, rather moments that help me remember who I am and how important my mother was and always will be to me.
Waves of memories, they sustain me, they uplift me. I am counting down the days until we go back to the beach and I can sit in the ocean and remember.
