In a simple moment of a heated argument, my son looked at me and said: “Well, just have fun with your ‘new’ family!” and I cried.
Blending a family is NOT easy and it takes time. I am nine years into blending our family and moments like this interaction with my son have made me aware that it is ever-changing and ever-challenging.
I did not respond in the most understanding way when he uttered about my new family. I believe my response was, “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” At that precise moment, he knew he was in for a long discussion.
Nine years ago when we blended our family, I had 2 sons and my husband had a son and a daughter, at the time of our wedding, they were, 17, 13, 13 and 9. A 75 percent teenager rate in any equation can be a disaster, and this blending was quite the ride of teenage emotions and hurt by events of the previous years.
My son and I sat down and after I got myself together, I asked him why he said what he did. It was hard to hear his answers and hear how he felt left out and that he didn’t get as much attention as his brothers. He was angry at me for all of the changes in his life. He said he thought I liked the new family better than the old one.
Just as our nest was about to be empty, we decided to adopt, because what couple in their late 40s wouldn’t want to start over, right? This was not an easy decision for our family and it is one that we all discussed and prayed about, and it was a decision that affected everyone.
With the addition of our son in 2013 and then another son in 2017, to my older son, it seemed like we had a new family. Our little boys took a lot of our time and energy and due to some of their special needs, took time away from our older kids.
We really couldn’t anticipate the changes and challenges. My son had every right to feel slighted or upset, or even resent the changes. Many families go through these emotions. Through a divorce or remarriage, or adding children to the mix, all of these circumstances create a “new.”
This new family wasn’t really new at all. Different yes, but not new.
Everyone in our little family had to adjust, even Mom and Dad had to make adjustments to make our family better and work together more. The “new” happens anytime things change or become different from our norm. I have had to learn that new isn’t always better or always bad.
My son and I worked through his “new” comment and it wasn’t easy. I don’t remember every word I said. I don’t remember every word he said. I do know that I listened to him. I heard how he was feeling and told him I was sorry that he felt the way he did and that I loved him. I told him that we were still the same family, just different. We agreed to try harder together to adjust to our changes.
Sometimes the “new” brings hard times, difficult discussions and compromise. Sometimes the “new” isn’t new, just different. Perhaps we just need to be willing to listen and learn and to talk and grow and teach our kids how to accept the new or how to change the new into something better.
Yessss girl! Also hard when one kid decides she doesn’t want you to remarry and still feels that way a year later. 🤦🏻♀️ Thanks for sharing your experiences! Love you friend!
Thank you Sara for working through all of your challenges and changes!
Thank you for your transparency, Cheryl! I am simultaneously excited and nervous as our blended family continues to grow to know and love each other…so thankful God’s given us this opportunity! Love, Jo
Comments are closed.