Intentionally Dating My Husband {After 12 Years of Marriage}

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CONFESSION. We just put our ‘first date’ of 2019 on the calendar. Yup. My husband and I, that is.

I don’t know about you, but (wo)man, it is hard to date this day and age. Date my husband, that is. Laundry. Work. Kids’ activities. School bus arrival time. Coffee you forgot to make. Chore list a mile long. Retirement planning. Yard work. Work day goes longer than expected. Grocery shopping. Library. Cleaning up mess after mess. Exercising. Responding to business inquiries. Hair cuts. Keeping up with continuing education. Church. Well visits. Reading time with kiddos after school. Snack time with kiddos after school *umm aka 3 hours long*. Hanging with gal pals. And the list goes on and on. This is real life, yo, and it’s not going anywhere.

This past January, right when the new year was fresh on our minds, my hubby and I sat down uninterrupted. The girls were at my parents, and we canceled all the normal Sunday activities for that day, so we could simply look ahead at all aspects of our lives for the new year. Coffee in hand and blankets over laps, we talked about everything.

But dating was the key focus. That’s right. Dating each other.

Because we have been horrible at it. HORRIBBLLEE. But alas, there can be simple solutions for what seem to be big old mountains of crazy. And we believe we came up with our simple solution. Insert intentional dating of each other. Because WE made this family, and we need to keep our relationship on the forefront of “all the things,” before all the to-do lists and lunch packing take precedence.

If you are like us, making dedicated and meaningful time for each other can have its obstacles. 12 years into marriage and some days it does feel like roommate status has taken over. Once the children are cared for and laundry is folded, bills are paid and business calls are returned, showers are given and food is served – we have hardly enough energy to sit next to each other and say:

Hey, what’s up?”

So we decided enough is enough, and Google calendar was going to be our friend. If you feel lost as to how to really focus on reserving alone time between you and your spouse, then I suggest checking out some simple solutions we came up with in the matter of one hour. One hour set us up for a year of dating. Not kidding!

#1 – MAKE A LIST &  MAKE IT WORK – That’s right. Make a list of all the ways you can spend more time together. Simple. Whether home or out of the house – be creative and dig deep! Do you have an hour after the kids go to bed where you can watch a favorite show together a few nights a week? What about making your evenings ‘phone free’ after a certain time – so the only person you can even interact with is your spouse? What about going to bed together and simply reading next to each other? Is there a certain chunk of time each week or each month that you are both home and you are kid free? I am talking simple things, folks. We happen to have one evening a week where our girls are both at a church activity for 90 minutes. We decided to attempt to dedicate as many of these 90-minute-kid-free-evenings as possible to each other. Even if that involves a trip to the grocery, random errands, coffee, quick dinner with friends or just us, or just hanging out at home solo. 

#2 – PRE-SCHEDULE MULTIPLE DATE NIGHTS THROUGHOUT THE YEAR – This one will take more work, but it is possible. This was my husband’s idea, and so far, we have 3 date nights pre-scheduled on the calendar from January through May! Our goal was 1x per month, but we were also ok with 1x every other month. This involves childcare, so just run with whatever your options and budget allow. No babysitters on deck? Ask friends for referrals! There are tons of kid-loving teens wanting to make a few extra dollars. Use them! Want to try to double date with friends? See if all the kids can be headquartered at one house and split the baby sitter cost. Better yet, buddy up with friends and do a ‘kid trade.’ One evening you watch their kiddos for a couple hours (for free) and in return, they will watch yours another night. All the kids play and you each get a date night without a baby sitter charge. Win-win. We are utilizing a combination of paid babysitters (she comes to us) and grandparents (they stay overnight there) – so there are opportunities for us to call it an early night, or even go away somewhere for a quick getaway.

These do not need to be expensive adventures. They could be a 3-hour chunk of time where you grab dinner, go on a walk, and waste time. But you are doing it together. We literally looked at the calendar and plucked apart the next 4 months of our lives in January. Why? Because we wanted something that was a “FOR SURE,” not something that was a “MAYBE IF WE GET TIME.” We are treating these pre-scheduled intentional date nights/adventures as precious time, not to be canceled unless our childcare cancels (which we would then hunt for another childcare option stat) or someone is sick (like vomiting their inner guts out sick). Because friends, our time together is a PRIORITY. 

#3 – INTENTIONAL ATTENTION – This is a biggie. Listen up. Put the phone down. Shut off the computer. Knock off the 20039 Instastories. Pay attention. It’s hard, I know. But it is necessary. I have lost track at how many times my husband and I are chatting and my mind is elsewhere. How many times I have interrupted his sentence to say something like “Crap, did you scoop the cat’s litter today?” Make eye contact and truly connect. Really listen. Intentionally and intently. Give him or her the attention they so desire and so deserve. Remember your first few dates? All that attention you gave and you received? Sometimes I sit back and think, wow, where did that go? It’s hard some days to give all my attention where it should be given when the opportunity arises {to my spouse}, and simply refocusing can help me do so in a way that shows love and devotion. Try it.

Whether you have been dating your spouse for your entire marriage, or you are looking for a way to refresh the romance, I hope you have found this honest post helpful. Now, go find your spouse/partner, stick out your palm in an effort to give a friendly handshake, and say:

Hi, I am ________, wanna go on a date with me?”

You know you won’t be turned down, that you can recommend the exact destination without feeling bossy and that your bill will be paid. So go schedule that first date, mama!

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Stephanie
Hiya Mamas! I'm Stephanie, mother of 2 little ladies, wife to a 6'4 IT guy, occupational therapist, small health business owner, Sinclair adjunct faculty member, avid UD flyer fan, and a contributor for this awesomely lovely blog! Welcome! After growing up in Beavercreek, I received my BA in Psychology and my Master of Occupational Therapy, both from Chatham College in Pittsburgh, PA. In essence, Im a city lover and a farm-girl all wrapped up in one. Against everything I could possibly control (insert - 'wanted to move far away') , I moved back to Ohio after grad school, started working as an OT, met my husband, and will never leave. Nope. Im 937 for life. I love roasted broccoli, smoothees, and sparkling water, with a side of dark roast coffee and almond milk creamer. My 'me time' consists of HIIT training, long walks, exploring local, trying new foods, and following a strict 'flip flops until the first snow' rule. I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding non stop since 2011 - so ask me anything about either one of those topics and I am sure I can give you some sort of (comical) insight. My heart is with serving others, and I have had the opportunity to serve on mission trips to Montana twice, and on occupational therapy mission trips to Guatemala twice. I am hoping when the littles get older (not that I am in a rush - stop growing already!) I can give more time to local organizations in need of volunteers. We love our new church, our new neighborhood park, and our new home, all which we acquired in the past year. Happy blog reading my friends!