In the past, I’ve been hurt by people. Some were friends but most of them were family. I feel like the hurt and hate that comes with family issues is so difficult because we learn to trust them at a very young age. They’re meant to be our safety nets. Until one day we figure out that blood doesn’t always mean we can trust them.
It took me awhile to get to this point.
The weeding-out process. I was letting very toxic people remain in my life when they had no place there. Maybe it was the feeling of obligation. Or maybe it was needing to feel like I wasn’t alone in this big world. Everyone needs a home base, right? It’s somewhere, or someone, you can go to and feel like even when life seems hectic, you’ll always have a place that feels normal. Except my “safe space” wasn’t like that and it took me moving away and starting a family of my own to see the truth.
I’ll admit there was a time in my life where I truly hated these people who had hurt me. The hate was overwhelming. It was a heavy, icky, black mark on my heart. I wore it stubbornly. I carried it with me everywhere I went and into every relationship. I let it consume me. The honest truth is that none of this was healthy. And at the end of each day, I still felt sadness.
A constant and unbearable sadness.
No one wants to feel like they don’t have family. No one wants to feel like they’re alone.
Then one day I woke up. My eyes and my mind were wide awake for the first time. It felt surreal. I looked at my children playing, I held my husband’s hand, and I realized that my hatred didn’t need to follow me around. It didn’t need to attach itself to anyone else.
It didn’t need to exist.
Why was I spending so much time and energy hating these people who didn’t care about me? Why was I letting the conversations and the thoughts play and replay in my mind and heart? Why was I still letting them control me?
It was a real mental leap. It didn’t happen overnight but one day, I took a deep breath and I released all of it. The hate, the pain, the sadness, and the feeling of loneliness. I let it go. I whispered it into a breeze; I don’t hate you anymore. It was time. Hating them with all of my heart wasn’t leaving room for anything else. And after all the years of anger and tears, it was time for me to heal.
Do I want those toxic people back in my life? NO! I want nothing to do with them. But, I don’t hate them. Not anymore. I don’t give them a single thought. Because they don’t deserve it.
And neither do I.
Allowing the healing process to begin doesn’t mean forgetting. It means taking back control. It means finding peace in your heart and allowing happiness to flow in. It’s not an easy journey but it’ll be worth it in the end.
