I knew the questions would come, it was inevitable, but I wasn’t prepared to tell my son about my divorce and that I had said “I Do” before.
Our family is a blended one and it has been quite the journey. Nine years in, this journey has not gone the way I thought it would, but where we are now is a good place. Our family has four big kids, three of whom are married, and then we were crazy enough to adopt, and then adopt again. Our quiver is officially full (unless God tells us otherwise). Not only have we blended kids and ex-spouses, we’ve also blended some birth mommas, too, with our very open adoptions.
When our then 5-year-old was putting the pieces of his family together, the questions started. In all honesty, I dreaded the day he put it all together and I would have to tell him the truth.
When he was little and my ex-husband would come visit my older boys, we would find it so amusing that he LOVED him and would sit on his lap and play with him. We jokingly would say we are dysfunctionally functional. But he hadn’t asked yet. He just knew that this guy was funny and played with him and his big brothers called him Dad.
He affectionately called him John and loved when he would visit for birthdays or holidays. He also loved my husband’s ex-wife and she was always so sweet to him and brought him toys that were his big brother Joey’s. He talked about her in the sweetest way and would say that his Jennifer gave him this or that.
One day as we were sitting together, looking at our most recent family photo, letting our little guy point to who everyone was, it happened. He asked where John was? I told him that John was Austin and Andrew’s Daddy and he wasn’t in this picture of our family. He then said, “Well who is their Mommy?” I told them that I was their mommy. Then it happened.
“MOMMY, YOU ARE MARRIED TO DADDY AND TO JOHN, TOO?”
And there you have it, momma friends. I had to tell him that I had said “I Do” before.
My heart welled up with so many emotions, that were all tangled together. I had said “I Do” before, and I had failed at that marriage. I learned so much through that failure and I have two amazing sons from that marriage. Divorce changed me and made me better. What would my little guy think of me? How would he put this all together?
So we began to talk. I told him that when I was younger, I met a man I loved very much and we got married. I told him we had a big wedding and Nana and Papa were there and my brothers, too. We had two very special boys and had a family. I told him that we then decided that we didn’t want to be married anymore and then we got what we call a divorce. I let him ask questions and he wanted to know all sorts of things, like was his Daddy there and what did I wear.
Do you know what happened when I told him about my divorce?
We talked and talked and still continue to talk about it, and it was absolutely fine. The conversation evolved to talking about his Daddy and his first marriage, and their children and then each wedding that our big kids have had. Each day he learns a little more.
The very thing I was afraid of him asking has brought me so many neat opportunities to show him and tell him how families are different and that they change and that there are so many people that love him. At any given interaction, you may hear him talk about Daddy Richard (his birth father that passed away), Mommy Kate (his birth momma), Mommy Angie (Eli’s birth momma) or Aunt Tracy (Eli’s birth aunt), John or Jennifer – and he would tell you that they are all part of his family. And he is right, he’s got a huge family.
He doesn’t care that I said “I Do” before, he’s just glad I’m here now.
