Sanitizer, toilet paper, paper towels, masks, disinfectant wipes, and a marriage counselor.
These are all of the things I didn’t know that I would need in plentiful supply in 2020, yet here we are. When the shutdown of the state began, my husband jokingly scoffed “I wonder how many COVID babies will be born in nine months!” I said, “I am more concerned about the divorces!”
That first week or two of isolation seemed to have a similar novelty to losing the electric during a storm. You pull out the candles, you cuddle in close and wait out the storm, making a fun memory of blankets and flashlights. Around week three, the novelty had worn off, the house seemed to be caving in and everyone inside of it was itching to crawl out of it; well at least that was how I felt.
Then comes marriage.
I have been married to my husband for nearly 13 years, but we have been together nearly 19 years. I can honestly say nothing prepared me for our marriage during the year of COVID. I feel like we have been challenged more this year than any of our prior years together, and I have been pouring myself over the cause. What happened to us? How did we get here? How can we work together to get out of this rut? Who am I and who did I even marry?
When the state started opening up slowly, I couldn’t run out of the house fast enough. Armed with a mask, sanitizer, and a baseball cap (because #roots for days), I was dying for social interaction. I needed to see another human that I shared no familial ties with. I needed to have a face-to-face conversation that had nothing to do with a mealtime, laundry, or cleaning the house. I wish I could go back to that poor cashier at Target who was the unknowing participant in my first adult conversation in weeks. She had no idea what she was getting into, and I am pretty sure I overshared. Oops.
My husband, on the other hand, was left in my dust. I couldn’t get out fast enough and he had loved nearly every second of the quarantine. While I was sobbing in the bathroom to myself on my loneliest days, he was thrilled to be locked in a house away from the outside world. So when I was so excited to be anywhere but home, he was missing me and wanting me to stay put. We were both experiencing such extreme highs and lows. We are, in so many ways, very opposite humans.
This new normal has been incredibly difficult for both of us to navigate through. We are trying to set positive examples for our children to be flexible, optimistic and thoughtful of others in this critical time for our world.
What does that look like in our marriage?
We are trying to be flexible with each other, identify each other’s needs that are changing daily. We are optimistic and know that our love for each other will endure as our lives change, as long as we make our relationship a priority. We are also trying to be more thoughtful. It is so easy to fall into a rhythm of monotony, especially when you are stuck in the same house day after day. He remembers to kiss me daily before he leaves, it means so much to me. I make the bed every day, which he says is his favorite part of the day, when he folds down the bed and can finally rest. It’s the little things that are sustaining us right now.
He also knows that I need adult interaction out of the house now, perhaps more than usual. So I usually make a solo Target run for essentials or a Starbucks trip just to drive and listen to music outside of the house. It is so incredibly important to pay attention to our own needs while also taking care of our families, but it is also important to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner.
When the world is spinning and I feel dizzy with worry and uncertainty, it is so assuring to know he is by my side working with me for the good of our family. At the end of the day, month, year… at the end of COVID, our marriage will not be a casualty of a pandemic. We will ride out this storm together, holding hands… which will probably, most likely, be freshly sanitized.
