Growing up, I was never the girl who had the dream of a house and kids. Nada. That didn’t resonate with my shy but smarty-pants self. I was more of a quiet conqueror. I wanted to conquer this goal, this schooling, this thing. I desperately LOVE a good challenge. I was career – science – doctor – academics oriented. Marriage was in the cards I’d say – but I never really wanted children. Not that I was against it, but it wasn’t in the plan. Then I met my husband, and I softened. I could picture it now – and suddenly there was NO WAY we wouldn’t have children together. So that’s cool – yah biology and yah fate! But, now that I am a mom…
I don’t LOVE (hearts and flowers, gushy ooh la la) it most days. I said it. I don’t. I don’t loooooove being a mom most days.
I think my role here on earth is to serve as many people as I can with my knowledge, skills, and purpose, but I don’t think my entire role on this earth is to raise children. *Don’t hurt me!*
I mean I do love it sometimes, but I don’t LOOOOVE it or think it’s bestest thing ever-ever.
I LOVE to work.
This is my fatal flaw.
On one hand, I am a massive hippie-hearted natural-birth/nursing/toxin-removing mama who will fiercely protect and help anyone who wants my advice or encouragement with those things. And most of all, I am insanely grateful for the opportunity to be a mother. There really aren’t words for that.
On the other hand, I really don’t love my post-baby belly button, or deflated boobs, or the constant wardrobe challenges, or having a messy car (gahhh), or how my hip hurts because I carry that 30 lb kid on one side most of the time, or how I feel like a pack mule every day. I’m not into crafts or Pinterest-anything, and I’m the furthest thing from a teacher you could get. (My mother schools me on this kind of stuff daily, so thankful for her!) If your kid ends up in my kids’ class- don’t expect multi-layer rainbow cupcakes with glittery stars on top – you’ll probably get apples. Whatevs.
I genuinely, deeply LOVE my child, and my heart swells when I hear his belly laughs and I pause for as long as his hugs and cuddles last. I LOVE being able to experience this challenge because it shows me what I’m made of, and to fulfill what the world has entrusted in me to teach this child how to live and love. I LOVE the little person he is becoming.
But I also LOVE to work.
This is my fatal flaw.
[quote]If I could work 25 hours a day, I totally would. I just LOVE it. It’s my happy zone.[/quote]
I love creating, and building, and figuring, and reading, and learning, and trying, and FAILING, and connecting, and working on changing lives, and teaching, and finding more ways to serve others. GAH – it fills me up!
I do my best to get consistent sleep, workout, and eat well to take care of myself, but that’s just a means to the end, so I can work more. Maybe I need to replace the word ‘work’ with ‘create’ or ‘build.’ Because it certainly isn’t work with the negative connotation. Do not get me wrong, some tasks are work – like the marathon accounting session we had this past week for my husbands business and mine. That kinda sucked. BUT! Even at that, I was so stoked to get it done and caught up and off the list – it felt great.
Call me crazy, but I LOVE to work. This is my fatal flaw.
One day this will change, and maybe I’ll soften yet again. I’ll work toward having less hustle and more flow. (I think the theme in my life is cracking the shell, softening this exterior. I may just die a gooey mess of a happy soul). But if I can show my children how to be fiercely passionate and have FIRE about something you know changes the lives of others – including their family – I’ll feel like I’ve conquered this mamahood thing…in my own style.