Yoga for Mommy!… Mommy?… Mommmm?!?!

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“Practice yoga for stress-relief,” they said. 

“Try stretching and breathing for pain relief,” they said. 

Taking “their” advice, I Googled YouTube yoga instructors, finding results like Yoga with Adrienne, Yoga with Tim, Yoga by Candace… you get the picture. I found a lot of people to bend like a pretzel with me, right in my living room. 

What I didn’t find was a disclaimer, warning wannabe yogis how to safely do a crane pose… with kids and dogs circling like vultures.

yoga

What the disclaimer should have said? Warning: Yoga with kids is dangerous, possibly even life-threatening. Proceed with caution. Much like outdoor survival camps, doing yoga with kids encourages survival of the fittest. Instead of escaping the clutches of bears and a small bout of hypothermia, a yoga session with kids invites you to become a human jungle gym – with lots of bruises. 

But it’s oh-so-rewarding if you finish the session alive. 

Though not specifically intended for yoga with kids, the opening lines of Rudyard Kipling’s poem says it all: “If you can keep your head [during a Vinyasa flow] when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you,” you’ll be a yogi master, my friend.

Not deterred by my disclaimer? 

Try the following yoga flow when your family is hovering, ready to pounce:

Cat/Cow Pose

Begin the practice on all fours and breathe deeply as you dip down into Cow Pose. Allow your children and dog to crawl under you, bumping elbows and knees with much giggling. Maintain even breathing when moving to Cat Pose. Your puppy WILL bite your boob at this point. Try not to let it affect your breath. 

Child’s Pose

Since you’re on all fours, push back into Child’s Pose. Let your hips rest on your calves and gently lower your head to the ground. There will be a gap where you can see air between your crotch and legs. Again, maintain a calm breath when your child puts his/her head right in that gap to peer at your face. They will scream, “Hellllooooo in there,” and then collapse in breathless laughter, but do not acknowledge them. Continue to maintain breath; feel areas in your body that have tension (probably everywhere).

Downward Dog

Push back into Downward Dog and make sure that your palms actively push away from the earth while your puppy crawls under you. He will step on a loose lock of hair hanging down, and he will rip a good chunk out, possibly leaving a bald patch. Do not sacrifice breath.

Tree Pose

Stand up for this relaxing posture of balance and inner strength. Raise one leg to rest on the other as high as is comfortable. Don’t be surprised if your child decides to use you as a ladder and crawls up your bent leg. Stay strong and keep your balance despite the extra 40 pounds attacking you.

Relaxation Pose

Move into the final and most deceptively dangerous pose of all. Lay on the floor, and close your eyes. Breathe deeply with your arms spread wide, legs relaxed. If you hear a noise, open your eyes and take note of the dog’s face inches from yours, holding a Kong in his mouth. Try not to scream when said Kong crashes onto your head, and, above all else, maintain breath.

If you were able to finish the flow without exploding in rage, consider yourself a yogi master and share your own yoga with kids’ stories in the comments.