I smile as the nurse goes through the routine medical tests of taking my temperature, blood pressure and pulse rate. She then asks about what medications I’m on and as I go down the list, she stops when I mention one in particular.
“What are you on that for?” she asks.
“Anxiety and depression,” I answer.
“Oh,” she replies, and ends the Q & A there.
That’s when my head starts running a mile a minute. It’s not a big deal to me that I’m on medication for these conditions — why would it be such a shock to others? Do I need to be acting or looking a “certain way” if I’m on this medication?
These thoughts frequently cross my mind, too, if I’m running errands and give a courteous smile to a stranger. Rather than give a polite, “Hi,” in return, I’ve sometimes had random people say to me, “You look so happy,” as we cross paths down the grocery aisle.
This not only produces me to give an awkward laugh, but it’s times like this when I again go back into my own thoughts — how can I be diagnosed as depressed if I supposedly look, “So happy?”
I am, and I know it, as well as my mental health providers.
I smile because it’s my way of shielding myself. I was brought up to be polite to everyone, and I usually smile because that’s the most natural and comforting thing I can do.
But on days when I’m at my darkest, I won’t go out if I don’t have to so that way I can protect myself from trying to put on an act.
Even my kids don’t necessarily understand my conditions. They know that sometimes I am happy, or not happy, and then there are a few times where all I can do is go to my room to get a few minutes to myself because I’m overwhelmed with everything going on.
There are times, too, when I am happy, and will smile and truly mean it. Just because I’m diagnosed as being depressed doesn’t mean there is a figurative rain cloud over me at all times. Especially because of my medication, I am getting better at focusing on the positives in life rather than the negatives.
My anxiety and depression aren’t conditions I’m happy to have by any means, but because I’m taking control of these things, that gives me a reason to smile.
