I don’t envision myself years down the road being part of a group like the Golden Girls, but I am lucky enough to know I have a small group of friends who stick by me no matter what, and that can be asking a lot sometimes as a mom who suffers from anxiety.
I have not always been like this. I won’t deny that before kids, I had moments where I was anxious or paranoid about certain things for a short time. Heck, even after my twins were born, I still felt like I got to a place where I felt like myself again.
However, after my son was born four years later, I developed postpartum anxiety. While my initial constant fears about him specifically have decreased, it’s been clear to me that day-in and day-out, I am not mentally the same person, specifically with anxiety.
My thoughts about people in general, including my friendships, have dramatically changed since my son was born. I am now more hesitant to go out in crowds and more cautious about who I share my thoughts and feelings with. I find that some friends who I’ve never had any hesitation confiding in with before, I’ll now act more reserved around.
Do I want to be like this? Absolutely not. I want to be “normal.” I want to be outgoing, a mom who others say, “She has it together.”
But you know what? Anxiety aside, most of us aren’t like that, even if we act like it.
The pressure of coinciding with the social norm has not helped with my anxiety or friendships. I know because of how I communicate, feeling anxious about how I say or don’t say things, has resulted in people who I’m no longer friends with. These are people who I have, and remind myself frequently, were at the end of the day, just a phase in my life who fulfilled their purpose in my social timeline.
There are a handful of friends (four in particular for me) who I know and have shared my trials and tribulations, triumphs and tragedies, and have stuck by me no matter what. One I’ve known since high school, the other from college, and two more who are also moms and have been there for me through tears and cheers. It is with these core group of ladies that I know despite my anxiety, there will be other people in my life to back me up.
I do have plenty of people who I can call “friends,” though. They are more than acquaintances, more than past or present co-workers, people who I would be happy to say “hi” to if I ran into them around town. But I know my limits – I know what makes me anxious. These aren’t people who I can easily say, “It’s not a good day, I can’t talk now, sorry.” My close-knit friends, though, are who I can count on to not judge me on my best or worst days.
So while I might not get to be around close-knit friends as frequently as the Golden Girls got together, I will have my cheesecake, and eat it too, in honor of these friends who care for me despite my anxiety and what others may call, “odd,” “weird,” or “strange” actions and emotions. That’s why I want to thank those friends, for being a friend.
