Signed, Your Friend Navigating Infertility.

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Almost five years ago, my husband and I began trying to have our first child. We were seriously excited at the idea of becoming pregnant. Let’s be honest, after being together for so long and always trying to prevent pregnancy…this was going to be fun! Hubba hubba, right? Sure, for the first year or so, it was kind of thrilling.

Awaiting that surprise together every month kept us on our toes. Eventually, that anticipation turned to the dreaded negative test. Month after month, disappointment after disappointment. Two years later, and with the help of our doctors, we finally conceived our daughter.

Fast forward three years and here we are again. Getting ready to undergo more fertility treatment to add to our little family.

Over the years, we have heard it all. Advice from great aunts, grandmas, the target cashier (seriously), and everyone in between:

Just stop trying and it will happen.”

Go on vacation. Got pregnant with all 5 of mine on vacation!”

Essential oils. Acupuncture. Exercise. Massage. Meditation. Do all the things, they say.

It is all so well intended. However, not everyone knows what to say, or what they can/can’t ask. And for some, it is downright awkward. So I’ve gotten together with some of my fellow “Not-so-fertile-Myrtle” friends and thought I would share some things that we would like friends, family, and well…everyone…to know. 

We want you to know:

If you have never struggled with infertility, you are luckier than you’ll ever know.  And we envy you. And we might hate you a little bit sometimes. That last part is harsh, I know. It’s not hate hate. It’s just jealousy. Like how you hate your one friend who eats fast food four days a week and maintains a supermodel figure. But seriously, if you don’t have difficulty becoming, or staying pregnant, just know how incredibly lucky and #blessed you really are. 

Don’t tell us to stop trying. We can’t stop trying. Every month that we don’t try, is another month without a baby. Would you ever tell anyone else to give up on their dream? In hopes that the dream would just magically come true if they quit trying? That doesn’t even make any sense. And yes, we get the sentiment. We understand what you’re saying. Because, more than likely, you have a friend or an aunt or someone somewhere…who has just given up and then BOOM! Pregnant. That is not most of us. And for those of us with serious fertility issues, that is simply not a medical probability.

We really ARE happy for you when you announce your pregnancies. While we are struggling to get pregnant, it seems like every single person we see out in public is pregnant, or has a newborn. It seems like there’s a new pregnancy announcement on Facebook every day. Every pregnancy and every announcement is a reminder of what we don’t have. So please understand that it is never about you, it is about us. We are genuinely happy for you. After all, some of you are our best friends. 

The medication, the shots, and the procedures make us a little nuts. The hormonal roller coasters. The bloat. The cramps. The painful procedures and tests. It really starts to weigh on us. For a lot of us, there are very few days a month that we can just “be” without having to take ovulation tests, swallow a bunch of pills, inject ourselves with powerful hormones, have timed intercourse, etc. It’s exhausting. And we may have bad days. So please be patient with us.

It’s ok to talk to us about it. This is a personal choice of course. But among my friends, most of us are happy to discuss our struggles with you. For me, I don’t usually just bring it up with people because I don’t want to make anyone feel bad (I’m lookin’ at you Miss “He-just-sneezes-and-I-get-pregnant”). I never want to seem like I’m sharing my sob story to make anyone else feel guilty. So if you have a friend who you know is struggling to become or stay pregnant, just reach out to us. Odds are, we need somebody to talk to.  

Supportive words may not be what you would expect. Sometimes, we just want you to say “I know it sucks. You have every right to be upset.” It’s often a lot more comforting than telling us that everything will be okay and our time will come. For many women, it is never a guarantee. 

Most importantly, just hold our hand, and walk with us through this difficult journey. Now, cue up the Golden Girls: “Thank you for being a friend…”