I Quit Pumping at 4 Months. Here’s Why.

On January 1 this year, I decided to quit pumping.

This wasn’t an easy decision for me to make. It was accompanied by lots of tears, plus feelings of loss and anger. But after the clouds lifted, I realized how much better I felt having made the decision and knew it was the right one for me.

Women often feel pressured to breastfeed, and I totally get why. Breastmilk is the perfect food to feed your baby. It’s so freaking awesome that it can change its makeup depending on your baby’s needs. But breastfeeding is hard, or even downright impossible for some people, and the pressure we feel to continue can have a negative effect on our mental health.

In my case, I’ve never been successful at breastfeeding.

When my daughter was born in 2015, I was dead set on exclusively breastfeeding her. I took classes, read books, and felt like with enough determination and persistence we’d meet our goal together. But then, when she hadn’t regained her birth weight by two weeks, and after multiple (very helpful, but unsuccessful) trips to see the lactation consultant, she had her first bottle of formula. I cried the whole time she was drinking it, feeling like a failure. Why couldn’t my body do this natural thing it was meant to do for my baby?

I lasted six months of breastfeeding and pumping with my daughter, producing a small amount each day. By that time, I’d become comfortable with formula feeding, but I still felt like I’d failed somehow.

When I got pregnant with my son, I knew I wanted to try to breastfeed him, but that I wouldn’t beat myself up if history repeated itself and I couldn’t. He was born in August, and by the time he was a week old, we were supplementing with formula while I tried desperately to increase my supply.

Now, we’re at the stage where he won’t breastfeed at all (except overnight for comfort) because the milk doesn’t come out fast enough for his liking. That means I’m having to pump in addition to feeding him bottles, and through all that, he’s only getting a maximum of 8 ounces of breastmilk per day. On January 1, I asked myself whether it was worth it.

In some ways, it is worth it.

I love our middle-of-the-night breastfeeding sessions. I love that I’m giving him that perfect food, even if it’s a small amount. But by pumping almost exclusively, I’m depriving myself and my son of bonding time, and it’s messing with my mental health.

Sure, I’d like to keep giving him breastmilk as much as I can. But I’d rather be able to hold and snuggle him while he’s young rather than be hooked up to a pump while he hangs out in his Jumperoo trying to get my attention. I’d rather get 15 minutes of extra sleep than rush to pump as soon as he goes to bed at night. I’d rather have the ability to play with my daughter than sit hooked up to the pump and tell her mommy will play with her as soon as she’s done (and by the time I’m done, her attention has waned and she’s doing something else that she doesn’t need me for).

Breastfeeding and pumping are great. But it’s not for me anymore. And even though I spent an entire day crying when I made the decision, I know it’s the right choice. I gave my baby as much breastmilk as I could for four months, and now it’s time to just hold and enjoy him while he’s small.

If you’re going through this, you need to know that you’re not alone. Whether you are unsuccessful at breastfeeding or don’t even want to try, your formula fed baby will be fine. Take the pressure off yourself and accept that the most important thing is that your baby is well fed, cared for, and loved. If you’re doing well at these things, you’re doing this mama thing right.