Missing My Father

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When someone close to you dies, you’re left feeling so empty for a really long time. At least that’s how I felt when my dad died a little over 7 years ago. I remember the day it happened like it was yesterday, and I wish I didn’t. If he had to go, I wish the last image of him I had wasn’t lying face down on my Papaw’s back porch, post massive heart attack. He was already gone. 

I had been the first to find him. The day before had been a blast; a day full of laughter, family, games, swimming, rum drinking, singing. It was 4th of July weekend. That holiday, which was such a happy time that I always looked forward to all my life because it meant we would pack up and visit my Papaw’s house in KY, is now shrouded in sadness.

Life just hasn’t been the same since that day. Here I am over 7 years later, and sometimes I’ll be driving and the thought of giving my dad a call will pop into my head. For that fleeting second, I actually feel excited, then within that same second, reality hits me. Of course, I can’t call him…

I heard the Beatles song “P.S., I Love You” recently and I had to turn it off because it immediately made me start crying. I have all these wonderful memories of my dad that I look back on with such happiness, but small things, like hearing that song, bring back a flood of those memories that, even though they’re happy, leave me feeling empty again.

As a girl who was very close to her dad, him being gone is a huge void that can never be filled. There will never be another man who will come close to loving me the way he did. Yes, my husband loves me as much as a husband can love his wife, but a dad’s love for his daughter is irreplaceable. Nobody has ever hugged me the same way he did, and it’s the little things like that that really hurt my bruised heart.

I see my husband with our girls and it makes me so happy knowing they have him. He’s such a sweet dad and loves them as much as my dad loved me. They’re lucky to have him and I hope and even pray (in some form or another), that he will never leave them too soon like my dad left me. He needs to be there for their wedding days and when their children are born. Not having my dad around for those things was heartbreaking for me. Knowing how much he would have loved our kids is equally as heartbreaking.

Missing my dad has really been weighing heavily on me lately. Likely because he recently had a birthday and this time of year is special to me for that reason and many others. 

I just hope, in some way, maybe he’s with me. I like to think he’s the one choosing those songs that tug at my emotions just so I know he’s there. And because I hold onto that hope, I’m usually able to power through the tears and wait for the smile it brings at the end. 

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Dusty Kalback
Hi, I'm Dusty! I'm a southern Ohio girl, living smack dab in between Cincinnati and Dayton. I'm a wife, mom, stepmom and work full time, so my life feels very busy most of the time! My husband and I have been married since November, 2013. We are parents to all girls! We have 3, so needless to say, he is outnumbered in our little family. I've always enjoyed blogging as a hobby, so I am very excited to be a part of this Dayton Moms Blog! I hope everyone enjoys my thoughts and perspectives on motherhood!

4 COMMENTS

  1. Dusty, my heart aches for you. Sounds like you and your dad shared an incredibly special bond. I have no doubt he is still with you.

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss, Dusty. This was an absolutely beautiful tribute to your Dad and the relationship that you had with him must have been so incredibly precious.

    • Thank you! That means a lot. Yes, he was and is so special. I have never met another person like him. He gave me so much wisdom in our 22 years together and he made such a huge impact on who I am as a person.

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