Why I Argue in Front of, and with, My Children

That’s right. I argue with anyone in my house who doesn’t agree with me and they will be better off because of it. Don’t agree with me? Great! I would love to hear why. 

That’s exactly what arguing and debating does for your children. It opens them up to the fact that there are opinions outside of their own. It shows them that they don’t always have the right answer or, more importantly, that there may not always be one right answer. They need to witness and be unintimidated by disagreements or other points of view. We are at a highly creative state when we are trying to defend or prove our point of view. Flexing those debating, creative muscles at an early age helps them develop to a higher level later in life, while also instilling in them that it is ok to think differently than those around them. 

I can hear it already. How can she argue with her kids? Isn’t that encouraging them to be disrespectful and question authority? I can understand that concern, but it helps to reframe the issue, think of it as debating and not arguing. 

Adult debate

Having my children see my husband and me debate allows them to see how people can disagree and the world doesn’t end. We love each other and we are respectful of each other as we disagree, but we clearly don’t see eye to eye on everything and that’s fine. My hope is that it will allow them to witness that love and life partnership isn’t easy and also set the example of how to disagree correctly and respectfully. Obviously, we use parental discretion on what we discuss and disagree on in front of them, but it is important to not always “fight behind closed doors, away from little ears”. This leads to the stigma that arguing is bad and opinions shouldn’t be heard if they aren’t like everyone else’s. 

Parent-child debate

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t bring the full fledge fury, certain issues are NOT up for debate and I NEVER shame them. It is always done with a calm demeanor. If it starts to heat up, we walk. The physical act of moving calms everything down without having to surrender the issue. I was told once that I should speak as if I am right, but I should listen as if I am wrong; instilling this in my kids will go a long way to helping them be more accepting humans. I remind myself that I am setting the example for how they will disagree with future coworkers, friends, family or significant others. I hope by setting this example now and giving them the tools to handle disagreement, they will be able to respect other points of view or beliefs, even when not in line with their own. 

Child-child debate

I stay out of it as much as I can. The same rules apply as above, they are not allowed to shame. Siblings have a way to really know and push the best shaming buttons, so we have a no tolerance policy on name calling or using past grievances. I consider my role a referee, not a judge. If they commit a foul, I step in and fix it and let them continue. I don’t ever take a side and try not to lead the conversation. If someone ends up upset, I follow their lead, if they want to talk about it, I let them, but if they don’t, that is fine too. Usually I circle back to it at bedtime when emotions have calmed down, but for the most part, they move on at their own pace. 

I have hope my children will be better for this. Do you debate with your children?