My Name is Kate and I’m an Addict

My Addiction was at 110% and I was drowning in it.

I got pregnant. My 4th pregnancy. My other 3 children were in the custody of my mother because of my addiction. My last pregnancy resulted in a sweet baby boy, born addicted and the county stepped in and made him safe in the arms of my mother. I am so grateful to her for stepping in to take care of my babies so I could get my act together.

I didn’t get my act together. In and out of jail, and I still hadn’t learned. I kept using and using. It was a horrible cycle. I wanted to get clean, but I just couldn’t do it.

In reflecting on the birth of my 4th, I almost have an emotional breakdown thinking of the night that I went into labor. I was so selfish to do that to that baby boy. I knew that he would go to the county and children’s services. I knew that my mom could not handle another. I knew that he would be born addicted. I chose a family to adopt him. I was hopeful that this family would somehow let me be part of his life, someway, somehow.

I had been so high trying to choke down the feelings of being pregnant with a baby I couldn’t keep. And with 3 other kids that I adored, it was a hard pill to swallow. I was a mess. I do wish I could go back and do things differently. Like hold him more. And talk to him. I wish I wouldn’t have left him in the hospital to get high.

My Addiction was at 110% and I was drowning in it.

My friend recalls the day he was born so well when I  called her at 4:30 am needing help because my water broke. 

“You see during this time Kate was an addict. She was homeless and very alone! I had known her since elementary school and loved her without judgment. I swooped her up and off we went to have a baby!”

I’m so thankful for friends who did not give up on me.

I left the hospital the day after he was born and went to get high. It numbed the pain of a child lying in a hospital. A child I knew I could not keep. When I left, he was ok. A day later, I went back to meet the adoptive parents and introduce them to their son and he was withdrawing from the drugs that I had put in his body. I was so selfish to do that to that baby boy.  I felt awful and just wanted to use.

After I said my goodbyes and left the hospital, I knew I needed to keep it together for a court appearance, and the adoption could proceed. A few days later, I had gone to buy some dope and ended up being late for court. I can only imagine the panic I caused the adoptive parents as they waited. If I didn’t show up the baby would go into the custody of the courts. When I made it, I had to hide my goods in a friends car and pull myself together before I entered the court room. I was so broken.  

My Addiction was at 110% and I was drowning in it.

The days after that court hearing, where my son took on the name of another family were so difficult. I continued the cycle of using and jail and hating who I had become. I ended up in jail one last time and then entered a rehab center (again). While trying to get myself healthy, the love of my life died of a drug overdose. I knew then and there that I needed to change or I would not make it. At his funeral services, I saw my son again. The adoptive parents came to  pay their respects to their son’s birth father, and it touched me that they came and I got to take him around and introduce him to the family. I knew that I was going to be different, I wanted to stop drowning in my addiction.

That was almost 5 years ago and I’m no longer drowning in my addiction. I am sober and so proud of who I am and who I have become. I have regained custody of my other 3 children, hold down a job and have found love again. It has not been easy, but it has been worth it.  

It saddens me that after almost 5 years of living in recovery I am still judged for my past. It’s unfortunate that some people can’t see past the bad decisions and poor choices I made to see the accomplishments and goals I have achieved and who I am today. Although I know I am strong and courageous and blessed in may ways, I still feel defeat at times… so that just means I have to push harder and scream louder at the top of the mountain that God helped me move.

I’m not drowning in my Addiction any longer, I’m living life each day in Recovery.

I’m not who I used to be and choosing adoption changed me. I miss seeing my son everyday, but I am part of his life and celebrate with him. He calls me Mommy and he is part of my recovery. I have never regretted handing him over to the adoptive parents. That was meant to be on so many levels. It was all part of God’s plan.